In a room with walls full of swords, axes, and daggers, a broad-shouldered man is standing in front of a rack, examining a blade with a critical eye. When you open the door, he turns and looks you over. “Had enough of strangling orcs with your bare hands? You’ve come to the right place then.”
Behind a counter stands a woman just as long and thin as the foil she is polishing. When she sees you, she slices the air with it and notes: “A first class blade. But then so are all my weapons. Even if you are looking for something a lot larger or smaller or how about something a bit, uh, heavier? I’ve got some beautiful axes. Whatever you want, I’m sure I can be of service.”
There is a man kneeling on the floor of the shop, gathering up dozens of knives and daggers in a basket, swearing loudly the whole time. “Please excuse the mess, honorable travelers. But this is just junk I never would have dared offer you anyway. My quality merchandise is in the back, and I can assure you those are weapons of excellent manufacture.”
From the back of the room you hear the steady “Thock! Thock!” of steel hitting wood at high speed. As you close the door, a bell sounds, and a woman appears with some throwing daggers in her hand. “Ingerimm be with you. No, don’t say anything! I can see you’re looking for weapons worthy of heroes like yourselves.”
“You deal in weapons or in words?”
“I always thought quality spoke for itself.”
“Are all your blades as long as your speeches?”
“Any chance of buying something without the spiel?”
“Seems you have time on your hands. Few customers?”
“Don’t your weapons rust with all that talking?”
“Actually, we just came to buy something.”
“Why don’t you can the talk and show us something?”
“May the gods reward you.”
“Your blades are as honed as your speech.”
“We’ll certainly close a deal then.”
“We are quite impressed by your display.”
“Pardon my chatter, oh favorites of the gods. May I presume there is a princess somewhere waiting desperately to be rescued?”
“Let’s get down to business then, if you’re in such a hurry. You’re off on an urgent mission, are you?”
“I understand, heroes are almost always in a hurry. Well, I won’t tax your patience.”
“I’m sure you prefer to let your deeds do the talking. Quite right, quite right.”
“You don’t seem to be taking us seriously.”
“Now you’re getting insolent.”
“You’re taxing our patience already.”
“I hope that’s not meant as an insult!”
“Got it in one.”
“Exactly.”
“More than just a pretty face.”
“I’m glad you recognized it.”
“Beg pardon, have we insulted you?”
“You seem displeased by something?”
“Should we have offended you?”
“Oh dear, are you mad at us?”
“Of course, you are quite right. I shouldn’t talk so much. Please forgive me.”
“I do beg your pardon. My mother, boron rest her soul, she always said: “Don’t talk so much, do your work. We’d be sitting pretty, if you’d work half as much as you talk.” I should have listened. It’s a crying shame.”
“All right, I quite understand. Please don’t hold it against me. It’s just that things get pretty boring sometimes. My weapons are of the finest quality, though!”
“O.k., o.k., I’ll be quiet. Please pardon my repetition.”
“You’re still babbling!”
“Right then, difficult though it is.”
“You ask a lot, but be that as it may.”
“Don’t you even pause for a breath now and then?”
“No need to wallow in despair just because of that.”
“All right, get a grip on yourself.”
“Get a hold on yourself!”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Oh dear, we seem to have offended you?”
“You didn’t offend us, really!”
“Did we come over that harshly? Please, forgive us.”
“That’s okay, it wasn’t meant like that.”
“I’m glad to hear it. There are few who can appreciate it.”
“You liked it? Wonderful!”
“I am glad to be able to offer you this pleasure.”
“You are too kind, gracious strangers.”
“Now we overdid it.”
“I’m afraid you are taking this the wrong way.”
“No need to look down your nose because of that.”
“We made a faux-pas there, did we?”
“Enough sweet talk.”
“Right, time to get serious again.”
“So much for that.”
“Now for some serious talk.”
“It’s your merchandise that’s so enticing!”
“With a display like that, who could avoid gushing?”
“You do have an excellent shop.”
“In a shop like this, it’s easy to be enthusiastic.”
“You are flattering. But my line is one of the best around. What exactly are you looking for?”
“It is a distinct pleasure to serve such knowledgeable and polite customers. If you would be so kind as to tell me your exact wishes?”
“You know how to pleasure simple folk like me. If I might be permitted to reciprocate? I’ll make you a special price. What are you looking for?”
“I am pleased to hear it and shall do my best not to disappoint you. What exactly were you looking for?”
“You give me the shakes, honored heroes.”
“Please do not look so grim. Your mere glance is enough to make me fear for my life.”
“I humbly and diligently ask for your gracious forgiveness, should I have caused your holy and righteous anger.”
“My knees are shaking. Honest!”
“You are going too far!”
“You must be mad!”
“Take my advice and be careful!”
“Watch your tongue, you cheese-faced cutpurse!”
“I can well imagine.”
“Really? How uncomfortable for you.”
“There is no need for that, really.”
“Honest? I’ve been dreaming of that for years.”
“I understand. We have offended you.”
“We have angered you?”
“Your cynicism makes me assume you are displeased.”
“Begging your pardon, we overdid it.”
“I hope you understand that I cannot allow all kinds of abuse in my line. Thus, you will have an opportunity to find out about the quality of my merchandise first hand.”
“That was definitely too much. You seem very anxious to get a first hand taste of my weapons’ quality.”
“Why do I even let in trash like that? It’s always the same: first you present your wares, than you’re forced to demonstrate them.”
“You know, the annoying thing about people like you is that I keep damaging my merchandise on them. Ah, well.”
“I think you’d better leave now.”
“I think I’ve had enough fun with you now. So much fun, in fact, that I decline to sell you anything so as not take even more advantage of you. The exit is right behind you, not even you could miss it.”
“All right, that’s enough for today. And as far as you’re concerned, for good, at least where my shop is concerned. Get out and don’t come back!”
“Have a nice day, although, to be honest, I wouldn’t mind you getting run over by a cart outside. Why don’t you go look for one.”
“Well, don’t let me keep you from your pressing mission any longer. Or is there anything else?”
“Then what are you waiting for?”
“Well? Can’t you find the way out… why are you still standing here?”
“Well, good luck then, and may the gods be with you. Or is there something else?”
“We want to buy some weapons.”
“The equipment, that’s why we’re here.”
“It’s time to stop strangling orcs.”
“Actually, we’re looking for an arms merchant.”
“No, not really.”
“Well, have a nice day then.”
“May your business stay healthy and profitable.”
“The gods be with you always.”
“Fine, now to business.”
“Let’s get down to it then.”
“All right. What do you need?”
“May I know your wishes then?”
“Forget it, things like that happen.”
“No sweat. My customers are always handy for an insult or two.”
“Now that’s a solid business platform we all can live on. Let’s forget that incident just now.”
“I like you much better with a little courtesy thrown in.”
“Did we apologize by mistake?”
“A misunderstanding, no apology.”
“Don’t put too much stock in our apology.”
“You think we intend to be polite now?”
“Enough talk.”
“Let’s cut out the chatter.”
“Could we finally get down to business?”
“At last! That bit’s done with.”
“That’s a load of our hearts!”
“You really are magnanimous.”
“We are very pleased to hear it.”
“Too gracious, I’m sure.”
“You just keep on taunting me, I can’t stop you.”
“You are riding roughshod over simple folk who just long to keep their peace and make an honest living.”
“Do go on. I’m used to being insulted. Comes with the territory.”
“Do you enjoy annoying me?”
“By the gods, what a whiner!”
“It’s not much fun insulting a doormat.”
“Make no mistake, insulting someone is hard work.”
“Certainly, if you enjoy it so much.”
“We just wanted to test your patience.”
“Now you’ve taken all the fun out of it.”
“Well, I guess we can stop it, then.”
“As far as we’re concerned, we’ve had enough of it.”
“We had no intention of taunting you.”
“It was all a misunderstanding, do forgive us.”
“We really didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You must have misunderstood us.”
“That does it! My patience is at an end! Alf! Alrik! Come here! And bring your new axes!”
“The customer may always be right and that, but I’ve just decided to make an exception in your case! Come here, boys, and demonstrate our new inventory!”
“As you seem to know no stopping, I guess, the boys and I must put a stop to it for you! Pray, we don’t put a stop to you in the process!”
“Enough! You had more than enough opportunities to apologize! I’m not a dancing bear to be taunted for your pleasure! My folk are going to show you something about courtesy, and about my weapons, too!”
“Well, I’m glad, we can finally get down to business.”
“In that case, nothing should disturb our closing a deal.”
“That’s been taken care of, let’s get down to it.”
“I hope we can talk seriously, now.”
“Thank you very much for your understanding.”
“It’s just that I’ve been angry about this fault of mine for years.”
“You are too gracious.”
“How do I deserve such magnanimity?”
“It really took some patience.”
“It certainly wasn’t easy for us.”
“You are taxing indeed!”
“We had to put some effort into it.”
“That’s just the way we are.”
“We’re used to worse than that.”
“You should meet my sister some time…”
“That was a cinch.”
“Come on, that was just natural.”
“No really, that’s nothing.”
“The gods teach us to be merciful.”
“Our pleasure.”
“I’d say, you better leave now.”
“You overdid it, honored strangers. You know the way out, don’t you?”
“It is surely better for my conscience not to sell you anything. Your tongues are quite vicious weapons by themselves.”
“That was quite enough. You better leave.”
“Pardon my asking, but what are you trying to say?”
“Beg your pardon, I didn’t get that.”
“I am not entirely certain just what it is you’re saying, honored customer.”
“Beg pardon?”
“That’s not so hard to understand at all.”
“You’re a real blockhead, you know that?”
“Read my lips: you are insufferable.”
“You make me laugh.”
“Just forget it.”
“Don’t spare it a thought.”
“Let it be, merchant.”
“It wasn’t that important.”
“We were just praising your wares.”
“Just an expression of joy about your display.”
“I say, you’ve got original masterpieces here!”
“Goodness, could that be an elfin bow?”
“Because you are so polite, I shall let you know that not all weapons are equally suitable for just anyone.”
“Customers like you are a rare pleasure. That’s why I’ll let you in on something:
[HINT]”
“You are marvelous. Maybe you’re interested in this tip:
[HINT]”
“You’re my kind of customers, so I won’t cheat you. Take this piece of advice from an expert:
[HINT]”
“Well, if you think so. What was it you wanted?”
“Well, if you insist, let’s get down to business.”
“Oh. To business then.”
“Pardon? Ah, who cares. Business is what’s important.”
“You are quite right, but people expect that.”
“And for a moment there I was afraid you might like it.”
“I wish I had more customers like you! I could dispense with all the sales talk then.”
“What a pity most people don’t share your feelings. I wouldn’t have to tie my tongue into knots trying to please them all the time.”
“Something must have snapped!”
“I do beg your pardon, let’s not get familiar here!”
“Really, now, compose yourself!”
“I can’t remember us becoming buddies!”
“That’s more like it.”
“See? There’s nothing to it!”
“What miraculous and pleasant change!”
“That’s what I call the merchant’s spirit!”
“Nice to know I could please you.”
“We really didn’t deserve that!”
“As long as it pleased you!”
“It was an extraordinary pleasure!”
“My apologies. Let’s get down to business, yes?”
“I didn’t intend to get familiar. What weapons?”
“Let’s talk business then.”
“Of course, of course. If you insist: how can I be of service?”
“I like you so I’ll give you a little hint:
[HINT]”
“You really make me laugh. I haven’t had this much fun for years. Maybe I can do you a favor too.
[HINT]”
“Marvelous! But I can tell you something you might enjoy just as much:
[HINT]”
“People like you come by here much too rarely. But I’ve got a hint for you:
[HINT]”
“I notice I’m beginning to bore you. Let’s return to serious matters.”
“Ah, so they can be courteous after all. What is it you want?”
“Whatever you say. Let’s get back to business then.”
“Okay, let’s return to the serious side of things.”
“You again! I told you in no uncertain terms about staying away from my place!”
“You really are a bunch of boneheads. Can you at least spell? G-e-t o-u-t!!”
“How can anyone be that dim? You’re not welcome here!”
“You’re driving me insane, you blasted idiots! How often do I have to throw you bums out?”