Guard
There are four guards in front of the house. As you climb the hill, they watch with a suspicious expression.
“What do you want here?” one of the guards barks.
“Not you, anyway. Get out of the way, and fast!”
“We just wanted to know whether you’re awake.”
“Pardon me, is this where the party is?”
The guard’s eyes narrow.
“Well, you’ve got me now, like it or not,” he answers with a snarl as he and his companions draw their weapons.
“You bet we’re awake,” one of the guards snarls in response as he and his companions draw their weapons. “But you seem tired. Tired of life, eh?”
The guards exchange a quick glance.
“Yeah, a butcher’s party,” their leader growls as he draws his weapon.
Do you want to enter the building?
As you open the door, the massive form of what must be the most enormous Thorwalian you’ve ever seen stands out sharply in the dim light, accompanied by three somewhat smaller figures. Those three attack without warning.
Guard
There are four armed men sitting around a table playing pinochle. When you enter, they look up, more with surprise than anything else, and ask:
“What has brought you in here?”
“D’you think we’d tell an idiot like you?”
“A long and dangerous journey.”
“We wanted to inform you of our arrival, sirs.”
“Well, it’s dangerous here, too. Especially for milksops like you.”
“This milksop is about to skin you!”
“I sure hope I misheard that!”
“We really didn’t want to disturb you.”
“So, you want to announce yourselves? Well, I’m sure you know the password then, being here on official business. Well?”
“If you want I’ll carve it on your fat stomach?”
“Gee, I seem to have forgotten.”
“We didn’t know there was one.”
“But you did disturb me. You more than disturbed me. I was finally starting to win!”
“My heart bleeds for you, truly.”
“So? You’re cheating anyway, aren’t you?”
“Maybe we should leave, then.”
“I guess we’ll have to jog your memory a bit then!” the man gloats and empties a full chamber pot over your head.
“You’re going to regret that!”
“You got a sink around here somewhere?”
“I think we understood.”
The four guards look at each other, draw their weapons and attack with a loud roar.
“My advice to you is: leave this village and don’t ever return!”
Guard (Guardhouse)
There is an armed woman leaning on the door of the guardhouse, looking bored. She watches with disinterest as you come up.
“Where from, whereto?” she asks, in a bored tone, without changing her stance.
“From back there to up there.”
“To visit your town, beautiful.”
“We just want to buy some supplies.”
The woman changes her stance just so much.
“I’ll ask again: Where from, whereto?”
“Very slowly, just for you: from there to there.”
“Through the village, madam colonel.”
“Beg pardon, but why do you ask?”
The woman turns to the door and calls out:
“Come out to play, boys!”
“Don’t try to be funny with me, sweety, or I’ll turn you into shish-kebab. Got that?”
“Don’t strain yourself, babe.”
“But we really want to go into town.”
“I do apologize. I was crude.”
“But the town doesn’t want filth like you crossing through her. She told me quite clearly. So now you’ll go right back where you came from, and both you and the town will be okay.”
“That sounds real good. Now if you kneel down a bit, I might even let you pass!”
“Never! You’re going to regret this!”
“Do I have to? These trousers are new.”
“If you insist…”
“To arms!!”
“You’re doing fine, really, you are. Pity we can’t use anyone like you here. But then, I only said I “Might” let you pass.”
Blacksmith
A muscle-bound fellow is hammering a piece of iron and doesn’t stop as you enter the shop. You have to address him several times, before he answers with a monotone “Hm?”
“Haven’t you learned any manners?”
“Hello there, master Hm.”
“May we ask what you’re making?”
“Hm.”
“Do you want us to teach you some, oaf?”
“Well, no one will miss them around here.”
“Apparently not.”
“Hm.”
“Hey, blockhead!
“Hm?”
“Is there anything we can do for you, poor soul?”
“Hm.”
“Oh dear, an imbecile.”
“If I might say something for a change…”
“Gods!”
“Ahahrghh!!!”
“Out!!”
Tattooer
In a shop filled up to the ceiling with booty from all corners of the world, a woman is having an anchor tattooed on her arm. The tattooist stops working as he hears you enter.
“Sell booty or a picture?” he asks without turning. When he finally looks over at you, his eyes narrow.
“I don’t know you,” he states slowly.
“You’ll get to know us soon enough!”
“Yeah well, we’re new around here.”
“But we’ve heard a lot about you!”
“With pleasure.” he speaks as slowly as before, and he gets his axe out from behind the counter even slower.
“So you want a tattoo. Which dragon do you sail on?”
“None of your business!”
“Any dragon that takes us.”
“Sorry, but we don’t know yet.”
“Only good things, I hope?” the man answers obviously pleased.
“No, quite the contrary, you lousy wannabe!”
“Especially about your skin art.”
“Especially about your courage in a sea battle.”
“You are without a doubt the most obvious fakes I have ever seen around here. Do you really believe we don’t know our own?” his easy smile is in marked contrast to the big axe that just appeared in his hand.
“I’m afraid I can’t tattoo you, as you have to be part of a crew first. But don’t let anyone catch you without a tattoo around here, or you’ll be hanged as spies.”
“You really are strangers,” the man says, and his smile disappears.
“I haven’t been at sea for fifteen years now. You better get out of here, before someone starts asking you some awkward questions.”
“Who needs your dumb tattoos anyway!”
“Come on, don’t be like that.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Maybe you really are spies?” he wonders and gets out his axe.
“Then again, maybe not, but we don’t like to take any unnecessary risks around here.”
Guard
Two very watchful guardsmen are posted in front of a cave entrance barred by a heavy door. They carefully watch your approach and when you are about twenty paces away, one of them shouts:
“Halt! Stay right where you are! Who are you and what do you want here?”
“What do you think we’d want here?”
“Have you got the treasure hidden in there?”
“Pardon me, which way is Daspota?”
“A good hiding, obviously. Or could you give me another reason for your tone of voice?”
“Can you give me one for that face?”
“Sure, but why should we?”
“Plain ignorance, captain, sir.”
“You think we’re gonna tell any passing peasant?”
“Are you calling me a peasant, horse-face?”
“Beg pardon, you are mistaking me for someone else.”
“I was just asking.”
“Your curiosity shall be satisfied. Come on, guys, let’s show them what they want to know!”
“Horse-face? You’re gonna regret that, you can bet on it. No one calls me horse-face and lives! Up and at them!!”
“It is of no importance anyway, as you will now leave the area… fast, without stopping or turning back. Have a nice trip.”
“But an extremely stupid one. And I get so agitated by stupid questions. As a matter of fact, I can get real nasty when I’m agitated, so you really should leave now, before something happens that you will definitely have cause to regret.”
“Thataway.”
A Gambler
There are men and women sitting at round tables, trying their luck at dice. The entire place fairly reeks of cheats and dice sharks.
“Hello there, how about a game?” a short guy addresses you.
“Go cheat on yourself, rat-face.”
“Not now, maybe later.”
“Thanks, I don’t gamble.”
“Cheat? You are calling me a cheat? You will apologize for that, or my name isn’t Geroll Lafinksson!”
“Are you trying to insult me?”
“Is that possible?”
“Why should we?”
“Nothing could be further from our minds.”
“In that case, you have come to the wrong place. The door is behind that tapestry over there.”
“That tears it! Some greenhorn comes here on his first trip out from mommy’s apron and stirs up trouble right away! We’re going to mop the floor with you jokers!”
“I don’t know why you would do that. I just know you would regret trying it.”
“That I want to see.”
“You seem to be quite sure of that.”
“We are not going to risk offending you.”
“You do, really? I’m afraid this will hurt you far more than it’ll hurt me.”
“Enough small talk. Anyone who doesn’t want to play and kicks up a fuss gets thrown out. Right out there!”