Arkania’s shortest joke: Two Thorwalians pass a tavern…
A dead dwarf is fished out of the river in Havena: tied up, gagged, wrapped in a heavy iron chain, with a weight attached to his feet. The city guards investigate the find, and the corporal says: ‘Typical - trust a dwarf to steal more than he can carry!’
Why don’t elves like orgies? - Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
A dwarf to the captain of a rowing barge on the big river: ‘How much for passage to Ferdok?’ - ‘Two Ducats!’ The dwarf turns away in shock, and when the barge sets off down the river, the short-legged miser runs along the bank beside it.
The next time the barge pulls ashore, the dwarf comes up, sweating and gasping. ‘How - gasp - how much is a passage to Ferdok from here?’ - ‘Four Ducats!’ laughs the captain. ‘Ferdok is the other way!’
Says the elf to the dwarf: ‘I could really use a new harp, but I have no idea where to get the money for it.’ - ‘Phew’, sighs the dwarf in relief, ‘I almost thought you were going to try and borrow it from me!’
An elf dies after a rich and fulfilled 300 years. His parents, both way over 500 years, bed him to his final rest. While they’re doing so, he whispers to her: ‘I told you the runt wouldn’t last!’
A wandering warrior passes a farm and sees a cow trying to climb up a tree. He runs to the farmer and tells him about it. Which prompts the concerned reply: ‘Now that is strange. She usually takes a ladder!’
Alrik is boasting at the tavern: I’ve cracked the secret of Hruruzat! You just wave your arms about in the air like a madman and give off shrill, cat-like screams. Especially the screaming makes such an impression on your opponent, he usually gives up right away!’
When he comes in the next day, he looks like he’s been put through a wringer and explains: ‘… so, when he moved in, I did my Hruruzat trick on him. I only found out later he was deaf!’
One seer to the other: ‘Do you want to come along?’ After a moment’s thought, he replies: ‘No thanks, I’ve been there before!’
A dark corner in Riva: Guards examining a dead Holberkian with twelve daggers stuck in his back. Finally, the Corporal comments: ‘Wow, I’ve never seen such a brutal suicide before!’
An orc with a knife stuck in his back goes to see a healer: ‘I haaave biig pain in baaack!’ The healer looks at his hourglass: ‘Sorry, I’m closing shop for today.’ Cries the orc: ‘But I haaave suuuuch big paaaain!’ So the healer pulls the knife out from the orc’s back, plunges it into the blackpelt’s left eye, and says: ‘My colleague at the end of the street is an eye specialist - he’s still open!’
For his one-hundredth birthday, Tangror the dwarf splurges out on a bottle of Prem Brandy. On walking home, he trips and falls. When he gets up, he feels something wet and sticky run down his leg. Frightened, he takes a look, then he sighs in relief: ‘Praise the Twelve, it’s just blood!’
Tunda the warrior’s on his first visit to the big city. In the evening he visits a tavern where the tankards of stout are served on small felt coasters. When Tunda’s finished the beer, he sees the coaster, shrugs, and eats it. When the landlord brings him a refill, he wonders a moment, then he puts a fresh coaster down. After this has gone on a few times, Tunda orders: ‘Hey! Another stout for me, but this time without the cookie!’
Two seers meet on the road. The first one says: ‘You’re fine - How am I?’
When the first man was made, the Creator looked down on him and said: ‘I have good news and bad news for you.’ ‘What’s the good news?’ the first man wondered. ‘I have given you both a fine mind and a fine member.’ ‘Great, but what could the bad news be after that?’
’You won’t get enough blood to use them both at the same time.’
A customer at the tavern complains: ‘That boar doesn’t look so good!’ - The landlord doesn’t get flustered: ‘Well, it wouldn’t, being dead and all.’
There is one difference between a Thorwalian wedding and a Thorwalian wake! - At the wake there’s always one person present who doesn’t get drunk!
Hoffel the Holberkian walks around the Northside with a door under his arm, when he comes across his friend Toffel. When Toffel asks, what he’s doing, he replies: ‘I’ve lost the key to my front door, so I’m carrying it with me to make sure it doesn’t fall shut on me.’
Says Toffel: ‘Well, you better not lose the door, or you won’t be able to get in.’ To which Hoffel replies: ‘It’s okay. - I’ve left the window open!’
Every night for weeks a shepherd loses one sheep of his herd, without any trace but for a bloody patch on the ground. - In the end, he decides to lie in wait at night. For a long time, nothing happens, until he suddenly hears a bowstring hum. The shepherd immediately runs towards the sound and sees a tall elf carrying away the dead sheep. He cries out: ‘Hey, what are you carrying on your shoulder there?’ The elf replies: ‘That’s my longbow! Isn’t it a marvellous piece of workmanship?’ Says the shepherd: ‘I mean on your other shoulder!’ and points at the sheep. The elf looks at it, rolls his eyes, and shrieks: ‘Ah! Help! Get that wild beast off me!’
Ruchus the Humpback goes home from the tavern, and he takes a shortcut across Boron’s Field. Suddenly a voice calls out from one of the graves: ‘Hey, you! Hey, you! Have you got a hump?’ Ruchus, rooted to the spot with fright, replies: ‘Yes.’ - Razzamatazz, it’s gone! Giddy with joy, Ruchus runs back to the tavern and tells the story to his friend Gebbert the Clubfoot. Immediately, Gebbert runs to the boneyard as fast as his foot allows. There, he also hears the voice from beyond: ‘Hey, you! Hey, you! Have you got a hump?’ - ‘Eh, no!’ - ‘Yes, you do.’ - Razzamatazz…